DEAR H

DEAR H

0

Dear H,
I’m sorry that I lied,
Though by saying sorry is not my necessity,
And had you a heart,
It would’ve been broken,
But still, I’m going to make this proclamation.

Dear H,
I’m not sure if by thanking you for everything you’ve done would
seem decent,
Because by doing so, I’m betraying my Lord,
The One who owns me and lent me everything,
And to Him too, I shall soon return.

Dear H,
I’m sorry that I lied,
When you lifted me to the sky,
And I surrendered my heart and mind that were once too fragile,
You have made me such an awesome creature in mankind’s eyes,
When I claimed of knowing you,
People were mesmerized,
You made me think that I belonged to those praises,
But the truth was,
How could I ever belong to something that was never mine?
Yes, I lied when I had said “I must truly be fascinating.”
The truth is, I know that those words were just a pernicious lie,
Thus, I stepped aside.

Dear H,
Remember the moment I ran into your embrace in my juvenile years?
When things had gone wrong and gotten rocky,
While my adrenaline was craving for something outragous,
Growing up, I have abandoned my innocence,
In search of something that would paint my life with rainbows,
Yes, I have thrown aside every border my parents had built from you,
Because freedom was an offer I couldn’t refuse,
So to you I quickly ran to,
But today, I have shed so much tears for that stupidity I’d gone through,
And now I am rummaging through my past wondering if I could ever turn back time,
And make things better again but I can’t, I know.

Dear H,
I’m sorry when I thought turning up the radio would allow me to shout out loud,
I’m sorry if I made you think that your name has been engraved inside my mind,
Though sometimes you were the first to appear when I wake at dawn,
But these masks could tell no more lies,
That you aren’t and never were, my truly marked crown.

Dear H,
I really was impressed by the world you had once offered me,
I really did want to indulge in the luxury you had ensnared me,
I had been drowning in your charm and never wanted to resurface,
But now not anymore.

Because I have woken up from such a long dream and it brought me tears,
Tears for sleeping so long,
Tears for not waking up much earlier.
I’m sorry that I lied to you when I’d said we were inseparable,
Because the truth really hurts but drowning deeper with you hurts even more,
Staying with you means distancing me further from what I’m destined for,
And today, I let you see me as a selfish moving-on lover,
I really am, going.

Dear H,
Even if you never wanted to know the truth behind my lies,
I will say them all, still.

Dear H,
I lied to you when I’d said I’ll stay with you no matter what,
Because the truth is, you never really were with me. Instead, someone else was.
I lied to you when I say your music ran through my veins,
Because the truth is, only His words could be the needle that stitches together all my pain,
I lied to you when I was fascinated by all of your Guess and Gucci, your Hollywood and your Dolce,
Because the truth is, the emptiness inside of my head was already filled,
And because of that, I realize I should seek no more of you.

Dear H,
I admit it gave me so much pain to set myself free from your conquest,
But seeing more of my own kind drowned by you was like a stabbing knife to my chest.
We should have been blooming flowers and sharpened swords,
But instead you turned us into zombies, rapists, addicts, bullies and traitors.

Dear H,
I really don’t know what is to come after this,
If I try hard to set more of us free from you,
Will you take me as your enemy forever?
Or if I were to fall back into your embrace,
Would you consider me a faithful lover?
But there’s one thing I really am sure of,
That no matter how frequent I try to stand up and still stumble down,
The One that owns me will never leave me to drown.
That His mercy will always overshadow His wrath.
And thus, I will never get tired of asking Him to guide me in my path.

Dear Hedonism,
I’m sorry that I lied that we belonged together,
Because the truth is,
We never were.

KHALIS SHAHIRAH BT MOHAMED HAFIZ
THIRD YEAR OF MEDICINE
PERUBATAN AL-AZHAR CHAPTER

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